Dear Person I arbitrarily picked from the website or some general generic statement like team that oh god I hope is not unprofessional,
I am applying for your open position. Really any open position it doesn’t matter. I am a skilled person with lots of skills who is passionate about paying their rent on time and not starving. I am not independently wealthy. Your company appears to not be evil or at least will pay me some money if you hire me. Please love me.
My skills are very skillful and are skilled in the way I hope you think absolutely no one else can do. I once accomplished this one thing but it is very overblown if it is true at all. One of these things I’ve said I can do I cannot really and will probably teach myself to do on the job. If I’m smart you won’t be able to tell but let’s be real here I am not that smart. Have I mentioned my skills that are very skillful? They are so skillful you just won’t believe it. My high school math teacher told me I had great listening skills. I have enclosed their name and number as a reference.
This is the part where I suck up to the company and also repeat the fact that I am the most perfect skillful person with skills. The homeless guy on the corner tells me I’m pretty every day. If you only give me a chance and interview me, you will discover how pretty and skillful I am. I will knock your socks off. Otherwise, I prefer my letter to be recycled because I care about the environment.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Unemployed Twentysomething With Lots of Student Loans